Empowering To Learn And Improve

Begin by breathing, one breath at a time one day at a time. One in front of the other, slowly, painfully, heartbreakingly but surely, until you see that the light is at the end of a long tunnel. I'm getting somewhat nearer to the end of the tunnel but it's hard and it aches - a lot. No one prepared me for this. Nothing in my life till now comes close to the devastation that heartbreak causes to your psyche. It's only been four months and in some ways the pain is worse although dulled slightly. How do you begin to come to terms with betrayal so appalling you can't believe humans could behave like this?

How does someone with a good loving heart deserve such brutal treatment at the hands of the love of her life - the same man who declared such love only weeks before the breakup? No sense or reason - feelings of enormous loss, loneliness, mistrust, abject misery at times, a torrent of tears. I went from being with a man I honestly thought I was going to marry (he did propose in a fashion) to absolutely bereft & on my own - even his entire family have cut us like a cancer. Where does that come from?

A family I regarded as my second family - loved a lot. My teenage daughter also reeling at the loss of people she loved & respected. No real explanations that carry meaning - just platitudes about needing space, about financial stress... but we were in this together so anything was surmountable wasn't it? Obviously not! With this kind of heartbreak it's easy to slip into constant misery. Easy to want to go to sleep & never wake up - but not an answer for anyone. Least of all for loved family members who will feel helpless but incredibly sympathetic.

After just breathing & taking one day at a time, don't be afraid to talk until exhaustion - get it out into the open. Your family & close friends will understand - talk to them - tell them what you are feeling, cry, vent, yell, scream, walk, run, write a journal of your feelings but do something to alleviate some of the stress. Above all else don't buy into the belief that you are not worthy or that you are less because he or she abandoned you. It is their loss & their own personal demons that they will have to deal with. You are not less - just different & maybe ultimately much better. Don't judge yourself by what they have done to you (as difficult as that can be) but rather pick yourself up piece by piece & empower yourself to not only recover but discover purpose, drive & a better future.

I've done this for myself & some of the methods learned have helped me enormously. In fact they are beginning to carve out a whole new life path. One that promises healing as well as helping others do the same. You are not alone in your heartbreak. Unfortunately it's all too common & too painful. You think you are alone & in some ways only you can process the pain within yourself but you can get help.

Empowering yourself is so beneficial. Reading, learning, self help with the aid of online studies, home DVD courses, e-books, articles, reading stories of others' heartbreak only to realize you are not alone - that support is close by in the form of education, finding your inner passion & following it. Loved ones to help steer you through the shadows & out into the light of day. Listen to music - lots of it - some songs will help you cry, others to draw strength from & more to lift you up & succeed. Follow your hearts' desires when it comes to what excites you. Learn to love yourself again & then one day you will attract the partner who won't abandon you when times get tough - he or she will stand by you & you will be happy again. I know I will too - just not yet - more growing & learning to do. More people to touch, learn from & hopefully inspire as well.

Useful Emotions For Better Self Understanding

Anger is one of the most common emotions that surfaces when grief and loss have to be confronted. It is a normal human response if you feel abandoned, betrayed, disrespected or undeserving of the experience you are facing. It tells us we have to do something.

If you have been taught early in life that anger is a bad emotion or that only people with little or no self-control show their anger, it is quite likely that you will suppress or stuff this emotion deep inside. By keeping it within and sharing it with no one, you set yourself up to become depressed and may have to deal with the physical effects of another little understood emotion.

What can you do? How can you use your anger?

1. There is nothing wrong with becoming angry when dealing with loss and change. This is critical to understand for your mental health. And like any other emotion, it is wise to get to the bottom of your anger, pinpoint the source, and do every thing to resolve the problem. The key to defusing it is to try to understand why the situation developed. What is behind it all.

2. Resolving anger is in your best interests for a major reason: it takes a devastating toll on every cell in your body as well as your emotional disposition. For every thought and emotion we have the body has a physical counterpart. Your body will take the punishment of anger not only when you first deal with it-but each time you replay the anger-causing scene in your thoughts. That is extremely damaging.

3. Become aware that anger can be hidden or camouflaged in anxiety, sarcasm, jealousy, dependency, depression, withdrawal, fear, and feelings of frustration or abandonment. It is all about your ego. Become aware of whether or not you are repressing anger (consciously stuffing it within) or using it to cover up deeper fears or feelings.

4. Decide what you are specifically angry about. Find someone you trust to tell the specifics to and who will simply listen. Trying to resolve your anger is in your best interests and sharing it is one of the most therapeutic things you can do as you grieve. You are trying to clarify the specifics of your anger with your friend so you can do something about it. Make every effort to determine if you are holding on to your anger as a way to stay connected to the deceased.

5. Consider to what uses you can put your anger. Anger always has a purpose. Is it helping you understand your limits? Your desires? Your sadness? Your real friends? Your need for tolerance? Your deep love for the deceased? Allow anger to play a discovery role in your grief. Is it keeping you from accepting the death of your loved one? Take the time to think about the above questions as you choose to let go of your anger and use it to take advantage of creative ideas and insights.

6. Do something with anger. Staying angry and wanting revenge is resisting inevitable change. Resistance guarantees that anger will continue to persist and be problematical. Allow it to educate you and help cope with your loss. Then let it flow out.

Temporary fixes are to vent: exercise a release, shout, pound a pillow or tear something up. This helps but does not resolve anger. Find ways to channel your feelings into constructive action (perhaps so others might not be subject to what you are going through). You must take action to get at the specific cause and resolve it by obtaining the needed information, confronting the source, and/or forgiving.

7. Forgiveness is what will free you from the emotional and physical energy drain of anger. It is often difficult to muster, but it is the biggest gift you can give to yourself as you forgive the other. You are not condoning by forgiving, nor will it remove your anger immediately; it will take time for your heart to follow your head. However, your act of forgiveness will boost your health in the long run, reduce anxiety, and lift self-esteem.

To recap. Anger takes a deep physiological and emotional toll. Yet, it is a normal emotion when someone is deprived of what is valued. And, it camouflages other emotions. Above all, it tends to isolate a mourner from inner peace and the people who can help the most when grieving.

It takes courage and conviction to see your anger as a useful emotion that can lead you to better self-understanding. But you can choose to grow through your courageous decision to forgive. Keep in mind Gandhi's famous statement: "Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."